Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
