does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
