hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
