We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
