My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
