How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
