Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
