please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
