Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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