Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
