I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
