my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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