I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
