mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
