got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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