I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
