I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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