you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
