I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
