my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
