Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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