i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
