I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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