I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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