haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
