I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
