I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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