You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This house was built for laser tag.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
