The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
