Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
