Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
