My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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