I just threw up on my dentist
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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