and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
