my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I cut my penus on the lid.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize