I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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