Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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