We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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