from now on my penis is your penis
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
