he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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