Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize