I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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