jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
me + whiskey = a bad person
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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