Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize