I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
