Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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