Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize