That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
