I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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