What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
