I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
