We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
