It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
