Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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