***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
