I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize