drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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