I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
