im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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