Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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